I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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