guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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