does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
