the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
