What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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