the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
