Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
im on a boat
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