i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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