I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
There's always time for handjobs
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My penis needs a shock collar
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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