Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
