oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
