there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Pants 0. Shit 1.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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