We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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