OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
