i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
