I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
