I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
