just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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