I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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