mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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