So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
this is an emotional support booty call
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Randomize
