pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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