I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
