You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
