half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You ruined the universe
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
