I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
