It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
