Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
