I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Barsexuality is the new black.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
