why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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