Pregnant stripper...not hot.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
