Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
