I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
