get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I seem to have left my pride at pride
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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