I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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