While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
