who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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