Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
