Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
