So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
