remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
