nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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