i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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