Kiss
Puke
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Come on in and take your pants off
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