Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
wow bdsm is so cute
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
