Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You did what with his pubic hair?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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