meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
