Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
