He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
