broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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